dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
