So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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