Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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