tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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