My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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