Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
