I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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