$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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