did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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