You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
