Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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