lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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