i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
