That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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