So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
