I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
