the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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