So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
