My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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