Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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