I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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