We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You're my little dorito
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
