were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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