i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
