You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
