Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
