I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
