We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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