My sheets look like a crime scene.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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