just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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