I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
