OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
