I'm pants shitting drunk right now
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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