I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The power of my boobs compel you
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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