I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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