fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
