just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
