I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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