Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
