Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
