I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
