My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
