a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
