I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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