i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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