last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
