3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
