I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
