if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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