Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
