Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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