i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
