He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
