why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
