Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
