My friends, they love my intelligence
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
