Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
