you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
