I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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