he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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