just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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