I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
